Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I have mentioned my intentions to go to the U. K. for a year of studying, but I have encountered difficulties in choosing a university. Granted that I do not know these unis as a resident of the area might, as I know Davis and Stanislaus State and even Azusa by reputation; still I think I might have trouble even did I already live there. I do not know the strong programs at each school from the weak, and, more, I do not know which I would take advantage of. If I was enamoured of one, I might very well stay, but I cannot afford to leap blindly into a year's commitment without thought.

Yet I do not know what it is that I want, and how am I to choose a university without first understanding myself? There are some factors that are plainer - I would not go to St. Andrews, nor any university in the heart of a crowded city. I would be hesitant to attend a place that had no creative writing or other liberal arts emphases. That, however, leaves a broad display to pick from, and requires me to decide further - upon a major, perhaps two, to work towards while there.

What then? I enjoy psychology, but also music. Philosophy and theology are intriguing, but then so is biology and physics. The arts hold a certain fascination, but I doubt I could devote a year to them, much less a life. Medicine? Perhaps - it is as promising as aught else, and research doctors may often work from their homes, avoiding the rush of the hospital. And writing is and has been something that I enjoy for its own sake; still no author is guaranteed enough money to live on, let alone a best-seller. I may yet major in cognitive studies, if only because it combines medicine, biology, psychology, and philosophy - look, a four-for-one special! Creative writing and cognitive science, then, as a double major, with perhaps a minor in physics or music?

But all of this means nothing. What I desire from college depends directly on what I desire from the rest of my life. And what do I want? Solitude, but also to be known and have influence on a national and preferably global scale. I want to have the money to live comfortably, without worrying about whether or not my family and myself will be reduced to hot dogs for a month. I do not want to live in a city, nor in a house not my own, but country homes cost more; and in areas where they do not it is often with good reason. I want to continue learning, and writing, and I have very little desire for a strict schedule. Under no circumstances do I want to be under the control of anyone other than myself.

Where is the school, what is the major, that will give me what I want? Which path, what set of choices will take me to the dream I see two-score years from where I am?

What do I want? I want a husband, and children, and grandchildren, and a large space with room for several dogs - I want to live without the sound of cars. I want clean air, and peace, and the loneliness that is not bitter. I want to have people from every continent know my name.

Perhaps I do not know what I want, after all.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm thinking of going to Europe next year via Study Abroad programs. There are too many excellent schools to choose from, though I know that I wouldn't do well in a crowded space like London. Wales is appealing, but I don't know if it is the best school.

For now, though, I would settle for a trip to the tea parlour.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

One of my finches, a very pretty little male I call Hir, has a hurt foot and has had a flight feather pulled. Right now he is huddling on the bottom of the aviary in a corner, shivering every so often, and not moving much. Odds are good that, since he now has a difficult time flying, and the temperatures are dropping, he's going to wind up dead. There's not much that I can think of to do about it, save bringing him inside, and that probably won't work to fix his leg.

Sometimes life is just irritating.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Yes. Just... yes.
End of the World


Well. Except for the language.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Three finals on Wednesday, and then I'm done - well, and a bible study and a dress rehearsal.

Hmmmm.... Want to go to the aquarium, Alasse?

Monday, December 11, 2006

'Across the gulf that divides our kindreds!' said Andreth. 'Is there no bridge but mere words?' And she wept again.

'There may be. For some. I do not know,' he said. 'The gulf, maybe, is between our fates rather, for else we are close akin, closer than any other creatures in the world. Yet perilous is it to cross a gulf set by doom; and should any do so, they will not find joy upon the other side, but the griefs of both. So I deem.'

~From the Athrabeth Finrod ah Andreth

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Mostly for Licia, as Steph and Spencer have easier ways to access it, but this is the (crossover) file I'm working with right now. It undergoes sporadic fits of revamping at mostly unpredictable times, but this is the latest edition.

http://www.esnips.com/web/crossover

On the other hand, I am now arguing with myself about what might happen to a vampire if he died (theoretically of course) in Arda. Of the three races we know about, dwarves return to dust, Eru himself calls Men beyond the veil of the world, and the Eldar, bound to Arda as they are, follow Namo's summons to Mandos, there to wait until the end of the world or a possible re-embodiment. But vampires, as entities completely foreign to Arda in general and Imbar/Middle-Earth in specific, do not fall into any of those three categories. Supposedly a vampire's fëa might be stronger than a Man's (hence the immortality), but is not bound to its own world, let alone a foreign one. Then it must either wander houseless, or be summoned by Eru, or summoned by the Valar. But the Valar, as they are bound to Arda themselves, would have no natural authority over such a fëa. It is not unreasonable to suppose that it might have sworn allegiance previously, nor is it impossible to entertain the notion of Eru giving formal control to the Powers of that particular world. Even so, how would it be contained within Mandos, or indeed the world? And how might it in time be rebodied, as the very material of its hröa was unnatural to Imbar? The Valar might find it impossible to reform a vampire's body, comprised as it is of both physical and magical component, for there is no magic as we should call it in that existence. The end result might be one who appeared as he first had but was no longer or vampire or wizard.

Still, one must admit that the idea of Snape, formerly terrified of one Remus Lupin, should meet his end, having walked willingly into Sauron's dungeons, at the jaws of a wolf, has a certain dark irony to it...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I can't really breathe, I'm achy all over - and frankly, I just basically feel like crap.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Okay, guys - this is really for Licia, hopefully so she can comment and give helpful things like feedback on various bits of plot, but also for anyone else who cares to read. Be warned: it does get esoteric, and quickly. Quenya translations are at the bottom.

______________

The ship looked much as it had nine years ago. Curving bulkheads draped with tapestries gave way to meandering corridors and snug quarters. Golden Caamasi strolled by, nodding to the two men as they passed. Occasionally, one would raise a hand in greeting, recognizing the warrior from his stay on their ship. He smiled; there were fond memories here, with this gentle folk.

To his side, his employer forced a smile - the ship full of pacifists made him uneasy. As the leader of one side of an intergalactic conflict, he was aware of the fact that they disapproved of his presence. None would mention it and violate the manners with which they held themselves, but those who mastered the Force didn’t need words or actions to know. Despite the nonthreatening demeanor, Lord Vader was still on edge.

The bodyguard-turned-special-agent smirked.

The Grim had nothing against the man, of course. Vader still had much of Anakin about him. Even after his failure to protect Padme, he had remained a friend - possibly, he thought with a wry twist, because Yoda himself couldn’t defeat Sidious, so what could he expect from me? Given Vader’s rather emotion-charged existence, he was grateful for the logic - but nothing would remove the Grim’s amusement when the Sith’s reactions were wildly off-target, or when he was not in control of the situation and showed it, like now.

Vader shot a Look at him, quite obviously having sensed his amusement, and, just as obviously, failing to share in it. The Look clearly communicated that Sirius was to cease his enjoyment of his lord’s discomfort on pain of - well, pain, so of course the Grim’s smirk turned into a low chuckle. In response, the Look turned into the Scowl.

“Are you quite certain that you are not lost?” Vader’s tone was mild. The Grim was not deceived.

“Wellll... It has been a long time since I was here...”

“Sirius...”

“I might not remember the exact way...”

“You,” the Sith pronounced in a flat tone, “are a liar.”

“Me? Never.”

“Do not try to fool me,” he warned.

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Vader chose not to respond to that one - wisely, in the Grim’s opinion. Instead, he glared before facing forward once more. Opportunity for teasing gone, he returned his attention to locating the correct set of quarters. Small as it was, there had been a grain of truth in his prevaricating. He wasn’t entirely certain that he’d ever visited that particular area, and this, while not as large as an SSD or even an SD, was by no means a small ship. Still, he had no doubt he’d find it. Eventually. And if he cheated along the way...

Placing his wand on his palm, he murmured, “Point me.” It spun. The next intersection he came to, he turned left, then left again. Vader watched with mild interest; he’d seen this before.

Stopping in front of a nondescript door, he shot a glance at the Sith. Lord Vader currently appeared to be either daydreaming or focusing on something in the distance. The Grim didn’t need words to know that this visit promised to be interesting - but then, he grinned, the more interesting, the better. With that thought in mind, he rapped gently.

A few moments later, the door opened, and a slender Caamasi female smiled at him.

“Sirius. It’s good to see you again.” She nodded to the man standing next to him. “Lord Vader.”

“You as well, Releqy. I understand that you have another pupil?”

“Perhaps, if you have no claim to her.”

“Mm. We’ll see.”

“Indeed,” she nodded. “Come in.”

Stepping in, the Grim wondered who it would be. A woman - perhaps Tonks had tripped herself through, or Hermione out of curiosity. He couldn’t think of any others that might; though, he reminded himself, it has been nine years. And then, peeking around the low couch, he saw the girl. She couldn’t have been more than three years old, and she wasn’t like any human he’d ever seen.

White-blond wisps trailed past her shoulder blades, and green eyes peered out in curiosity. Her tanned skin contrasted oddly against her fairer hair. And she was tiny - if she weighed any more than two stone he’d be surprised. Part Veela, perhaps?

He exhaled. Well. He supposed she could still be the child of a friend - many things could happen in almost a decade - but he didn’t recognise any distinctive features that belonged to someone he’d known. Still -

Crouching to be on an equal level with her, he smiled. The child smiled back - good. “Hi,” he greeted in English.

For a minute, she seemed to be debating whether or not to talk to him. Then, “Hello.”

Score! “My name is Sirius,” he told her, still smiling and trying to appear non-threatening. “What’s yours?

“Poldë.” She edged a foot around the couch.

“Poldë, huh? That’s a very pretty name for a very pretty little girl. Does your Mama ever tell you that?”

“Yes.” She drifted a bit further out so she could see him better. The sleeveless dress and cloak she was wearing looked almost wizard-made, but the materials had to be of high-quality, and the tailoring was flawless. The cloak faded in and out, shimmering silver, sepia, and green. If she belonged to a wizarding family, it was obviously one on the high end of the spectrum; but most of those wouldn’t touch dirty blood, let alone different species, and he still had the feeling that she wasn’t quite human.

“Good, she should. Hey, can I introduce you to my friend right here?”

He gave her a second to think that over, and was rewarded with a hesitant, “Yess..”

“Great! Poldë, this is Lord Vader.” Checking with exaggerated caution to both sides, he motioned her forwards. When she slowly came, he leaned forward and whispered, “But you can call him V for short.”

That coaxed a smile out of her. “Father says I should always call people I don’t know by right names.”

“Really? Well, what’s your Mama say?”

She toed the carpet. “She says Father’s strict and needs to relax.”

He laughed. “Sounds like some people I might know. Do you know your Mama and Papa’s names, Poldë?”

When she nodded, he grinned. “Really? That’s good! Can you tell me?” He gave her the puppy-dog face. “Pretty please?”

This time, she nodded without hesitating, though from the way Vader shifted he guessed it was because there were no strictures around the act instead of the Grim’s skills with children.

“Mother’s name is Carnildë and Father’s name is Cirisson.”

Well. That tore it, well enough. He’d never heard names even remotely similar in the Wizarding World. At a loss, he remarked, “Well, I don’t think I’ve heard those names before. Can you tell me what they do?”

“Mother sews and cooks and teases Father and Father hunts and feeds me and tells me stories.”

An opening! “What kind of stories does he tell you?”

She blinked, apparently unsure as to whether this was on the do-not-tell list or not. “Aaa...”

Something about her vocalisations was needling him. They were off, just the slightest bit, as if her reflexive vocal hesitation was picked up elsewhere than two English-speaking parents. He eyed her critically - she was young, but if she’d been raised around two languages, that could explain it, as well as the uncharacteristic ‘Mother’ and ‘Father.’ And it might give a clue as to her origin, as well. A few strands of hair fell into her face, and she pushed them back, revealing a decidedly pointed ear - not Veela, then.

She was still pondering his earlier question, so he asked a different one. “Do you speak any languages beside English, Poldë?”

A nod.

“That’s cool! Which ones?”

“Quenya, and a little bit of Latin and Sindarin.” She looked at him through her eyelashes. “The Latin’s ugly, though.” Pausing for just a moment, she asked innocently, “Why’s it cold?”

The Grim grinned. “Not cold, cool. It means neat, or good, or interesting.”

“A.” The child folded herself into a cross-legged position and looked up. “When can I go back? I’m hungry. I want Father.”

Sindarin? Quenya? He’d never heard of those before. Where his first guess might’ve been veela, it had changed. Veela weren’t that delicate or tiny - and what on earth was she talking about? Caamasi would never starve a child. They certainly hadn’t starved him. And their food was strange, yes, but not bad.

“Don’t the Caamasi give you food?”

“Yes...”

“Then why are you hungry?”

“Because they don’t feed me.”

He blinked. What kind of logic...?

“Does the food taste bad?”

“No, it’s good.”

“Do you eat it?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you hungry?” he repeated himself. The Grim had a feeling that he was missing something important.

“Because Father’s not here,” she said, and he dropped the topic. He was getting nowhere with that - and Vader was getting amused, he could tell. The little girl stared at him, seeming to consider something. After a few moments, she asked, “What’s your name?

Raising an eyebrow, he glanced at the Sith. “I told you, remember? Sirius, my name is Sirius.”

“But what’s your father-name?” she persisted. “Father said that people who speak English have father-names.”

Father-name...? Oh! Surname, of course. “Black,” he answered. “I am Sirius Black.”

Her face twisted into a scowl almost faster than he could blink, and the Sith next to him shifted, obviously picking up on something. the Grim heard in his mind. The problem was, Sirius had not a clue. He’d never seen her before, and never heard of her parents.

Tentatively, he queried, “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t like you!” Poldë stood and backed away. “I don’t like you!”

“Why not?” He was out of his league here.

“You were mean to my Father. You’re a git and a prat and yrchion.” Was it just him, or was the low table in the corner rattling?

“...I don’t know your father, but I’m very sorry if I was ever mean to him,” he tried. Stealing a glance at Vader was not reassuring; the man had a decidedly evil smirk on his face. The Grim glared at him.

The child stomped a very tiny foot. “No you’re not! Otherwise you would have been nicer!” He opened his mouth to say something... and the girl ran up, kicked him as hard as she could in the shins, and then darted back behind the couch. Her voice was muffled behind it. “Go away, Sirius Black! I want Tata!” Abruptly, the table toppled.

Releqy appeared rather suddenly. “She sounds agitated, Sirius, what did you say to her?”

Bewildered, he switched back to Basic. “I don’t know. She blew up as soon as she heard my full name.

The Caamasi girl merely looked at him. “She is not old enough to know you personally. Do you know her parents?”

“No - I don’t even think she’s human.” He sighed - he hated enigmas.

Vader broke in. “I believe it would be wise for you to leave, now. I doubt she will speak with you again in the near future.”

“And will you remain with her, Lord Vader?” Releqy did not appear terribly pleased with the proposal.

“You have my word that I will not harm the child, lady,” he replied courteously. “I am merely curious as to her origins.”

“You do not speak her tongue,” she challenged, and Vader raised an eyebrow.

“I wield the Force, Caamasi.” The implication was impossible to miss, and she conceded.

“Very well.” She left the room slowly, almost unwillingly, while the Grim glared at his employer.

“I don’t like this,” he stated simply.

“I know.”

Turning, Sirius left the room. A smirk blossomed on his face - Vader would now have to find his own way to his quarters, unless he could coax Releqy away from her duties. And, judging by how dear Caamasi held children, that was not likely to happen.

***

The Sith waited as Sirius’ mind traveled further away, checking absently on the Caamasi girl as well. She was not listening, though shouting or more screaming would probably bring her running. Just as well; only three people, including himself, were aware that he spoke English, and he preferred to keep it that way for the time being.

The child was adorable, though the Grim was right when he said she was not quite human. Truth be known, there was no human blood in her veins at all. He didn’t know her species - but she was intelligent and, he suspected, very other than what the Grim thought. And quite capable of holding a grudge in stead of her missing parents, it seemed. Still, the child hadn’t immediately linked him in her mind with her hatred for Sirius, so he was hopeful. This youngling needed training, according to what he had heard, and he wouldn’t mind a child following the Grim about his fleet. True, she was young; but then, had Padme lived, his children would have been this age as well.

“Poldë,” he called now in English, wrapping a hint of Force about her mind to soothe her. “Poldë, you have won: Sirius is gone.” Slowly he moved nearer her refuge. “Come out now, little one; I would like to speak to you.” He sensed her response to the term - Little One, telellë, Tata! - and spoke again. “Come, telellë? He is truly gone.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” and he wove a tendril of trustworthiness in his words. He could feel her wavering; he could afford to be patient. Sure enough, her face poked out a few seconds later, scanning the room as only a small child could, passing over his standing figure.

“Are you sure?”

“Very sure. You scared him away with your fierceness.”

A smile crossed her face. “Father taught me how to fight. Mother helped a little.”

“They did a very fine job,” he assured with a straight face. “Do you mind if I sit down, little one?”

Predictably, she swelled with pride at being addressed as an adult and waved a falsely nonchalant hand at the sofa. “Of course not... a...” Her face puckered with concentration. “What’s your name again?”

“Vader.”

“A! Of course not, Vader.” She pronounced the name carefully, as if afraid of tripping over it.

Conspicuously not looking at her, he seated himself on the couch and studied the hangings on the opposite wall. A minute later, a very small weight dipped the other end of the couch, and he looked down, feigning surprise at finding her there. She blinked up at him. “You have funny hair.”

“Do I?”

“Yes. It’s all curled-up. I’ve never seen someone with curled-up hair before.”

“Well, I’ve never seen such an intelligent little girl before, or one with pointed ears.”

“Really? Are you a human? I’ve never met a human before.”

The Sith nodded. “Yes, I am. Never? Are you sure? What about your parents?”

This time she giggled at him. “They’re not humans, silly!”

“No?” he asked, with exaggerated surprise.

“No!”

“Well, then, what are they, little one?”

“Mother’s Noldo, and Father’s yarsukhoth.”

“...Yarsukhoth?” That... was not a word he’d ever heard Sirius use.

“Yes. You know, a...” Her struggle to remember the word was quite clear on her face. “A vampire,” she pronounced at last.

He’d not heard that word, either. After he finished here, he would need to find the Grim and ask for an explanation. “That’s nice.”

“I think so. Mother does, too, because then when I fall down it heals faster, that’s what she says. I think it heals as fast as the other children, but she says it’s faster. I can see in the dark better than she can, too.”

Fascinating. “That’s always good. Do you fall down much?”

“No, except for that time I fell out of the talan -“ upon seeing his raised eyebrows she amended, “- our house - it’s in a tree. Anyways, I fell out and something in my arm cracked funny and I had to wear a strap around it for four days. That was when I was little. I’m a big girl now, so I don’t fall any more.”

His eyebrows climbed higher. “You don’t look very big to me.”

“Well, older then.” She pouted. “Besides, Mother says I’m just waiting for the right time to grow.”

“If you’re sure...” he mused with a straight face.

“I am!” she rebuked his doubt indignantly.

“Mm.” Making a show of looking her over, the Sith wove a bit more Force into his voice. He didn’t want her to be reminded of the erstwhile Sirius. “You look rather hungry. Has Releqy been feeding you?”

Surprisingly, the little girl shook her head, wispy hair whipping in an energetic halo. “No.”

That answer did not match up with his knowledge of Caamasi or the conversation with Sirius he’d listened to. “Have they been bringing you food?”

She nodded her head this time. “It’s odd. It tastes good, but it’s odd.”

What kind of riddle is this? As he asked his next question, he probed at the edge of her mind. “Why hasn’t she been feeding you?”

Puzzlement flitted across her thoughts and face. “Because she’s not Mother or Father or Grandfather or Grandmother or Aunt Mélë.”

“Is that all?”

“Father says never to feed from anyone who’s not him or Mother unless it’s an emer...”

“Emergency?” he supplied, and she nodded.

“If it’s an emergency, then I’m allowed to feed from Grandmother and Grandfather and Aunt Mélë. Otherwise I’m not supposed to.” Worrying at her bottom lip, she added, “But I’m really hungry. Is it an emergency yet?”

Feed from? The child is not Anzati. Aloud, he answered, “I do not know, but I believe so. What do your parents say?”

Tiny shoulders shrugged. “I don’t know, they’re not here.”

She might not sound it for her words, but the simplicity of the answer reminded him how very young she was, and, rather than ask circular questions, he delved into the memories at the front of her mind. A dark man with greasy hair and a forbidding face smiled at a woman who could only be Poldë’s mother and looked down. Hinya, he crooned, my daughter, my little one. Releqy appeared briefly with a flashing smile as a horde of some hideous alien flew past. The dark man cradled a child to his chest, and warmth seeped down a parched throat; a bead of crimson lingered on pale skin.

Somewhat unsettled, he drew back. Her mind was more fragmented than any he’d delved, and he could not guess why. Children were not known for ordered thoughts, but to this extent... Still, Vader had found what he’d been searching for.

“How often does your father usually feed you?”

Brow wrinkled in thought, she responded. “A... every next day? I think?”

He nodded. “How long has it been since you came here?

She frowned at him. “I don’t know. There’s no sun here. Only stars and pretty clouds.”

A sigh came from him; he would need to check with Releqy. “Did you feed before you came here?”

“I don’t think so...”

Wonderful. What else can... Ah - that could work. “Poldë,” the Sith told her, “I am going to find out how long you’ve been here. If it’s been longer than three days, then I believe it counts as an emergency.”

“But -“ The girl was becoming rather upset.

”I know. Your grandparents and uncle are not here.” Pausing, he continued, “Your father would want you to feed, little one, if he knew that you were this hungry. Believe me.”

“But who?” she wailed. “Father told me -“

Triumph glittering inside, Vader interrupted. “You may feed from me, hinya, it will be all right.” His tone was gentle, contrasting her wide eyes and almost panicked breathing. Stretching a hand out, he stroked her hair. The child froze for one brief moment before relaxing, and he gathered the limp form against his side. Excellent. “Everything will be all right.”

***

“Sirius,” the Sith enquired, “what exactly is an elf?”

“A house elf?”

“I do not know.”

“House elves are tiny, ugly, and live to serve wizards.”

“I see. Are there any other species?”

“...Not to my knowledge.”

“What is a vampire?”

The Grim looked at him with some surprise, and Lord Vader paused in his pacing. “What is it, Grim?”

“Where did you hear about elves and vampires?”

A smirk grew on his face as he continued. “Why, from dear little Poldë, of course. Where else?”

“Oh.” Sirius tilted his head. “Did she have contact with house elves and vampires?”

“Not house elves, but to my understanding her mother is a rather different sort of elf and her father a vampire. If I knew what the terms meant, I would be most appreciative.”

“...Oh. That explains the hunger.” He pondered for a minute or so on the implications of such a parentage and coming through the Veil, ignoring his increasingly irate employer. However, patience was not one of the Sith’s chief virtues.

“Grim. Explain. Now.”

For a moment, the Grim was strongly tempted to refuse - but only for a moment. Vader was a powerful man even without the Force. “I don’t know about any other sort of elf, but I do know some things about vampires. They typically look human, but they don’t particularly love sunlight. They don’t have fangs like most myths say, just sharp incisors, and their need for blood depends on their age. A child needs blood far more often than an adult, and can hit bloodlust if more than four days pass, depending on how young it is. For an adult, it can take up to two weeks. I’ve heard of some particularly strong-willed ones making it fifteen or sixteen days.

“If that little girl’s a vampire, she probably gets blood every other day, just because she’s so young. She got here three days ago, right?” he checked. Vader inclined his head, and he continued. “Right. So, she’s going to be fairly emotionally-unbalanced and off-kilter until she either hits bloodlust or gets some blood.” He paused, considering. “I’m not even sure that alien blood would work for her, because vampire blood is fairly close to human and I’m not sure whether Caamasi blood is even iron-based...”

“It is not. What is bloodlust, exactly?” His eyes were intent as he stopped pacing.

“Eh... Essentially she’ll go insane until she gets blood, and she’ll try to attack the first living being she sees. She’s too little to actually kill someone, but she could kill herself if she gets poisonous blood. Of course, she’ll die if she starves, too, which would be about a day, maybe two, after she hit.”

The Sith resumed his pacing again, black cloak fluttering behind him. Sirius’ eyes followed him back and forth.

“So, did you see her parents?” he asked a few minutes later. If the Sith hadn’t been in her mind at some point, he would be surprised.

“Yes,” came the slightly distracted answer. “One was an elf, as she knows it, a taller and older version of Poldë, very tall for a human female. Her father I would have called human if I did not know he was not; he had pale skin, rather greasy black hair, black eyes, and a hooked nose.” A spike of recognition and shock broke through his steps, and he turned, one eyebrow raised, to look at the Grim. “So,” he observed, “you do know her father.”

The man looked absolutely flabbergasted. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Seating himself in an armchair, he pierced his employee with blue eyes. “Do enlighten me, Grim.”

“Ah - basically we attended school together, the greasy git. He’s an evil bastard who hovers over his potions nonstop and can’t leave well enough alone.”

“Mm. I presume you bullied him?”

“He gave as good as he got!” he protested.

“Then how is it that his young daughter knows of you and hates you, though she must believe you are nine years dead?”

“...Maybe just a little,” was the grudging admission. Vader smirked.

“Of course.”

“What does it matter to you, anyway, if she hates me or not?”

Calmly, the Sith said, “She is magical -“

”No kidding, Sherlock, if she’s got a vampire father-“

”-not to mention that she is quite intelligent for her years, and I am going to take her with us when we leave.”

_________________________

Aaa - the equivalent to 'oh' or 'um'

yrchion - 'orc-spawn'

Tata - the diminutive affectionate form of 'father', aka 'Daddy'

yarsukhoth - vampire (note: if anyone wants to find me a better word for it, feel free - the Quenya here was rather vague.)

talan - a home made in a tree

hinya - my child

telellë - little one, little elf

Note - Vader doesn't really understand Quenya; he's just pulling the words from her mind and using them because they are more familiar to her.
Chocolate mint rooibus, with just a tiny bit - a quarter-teaspoon, perhaps - of sugar. A comfy chair. Cold toes. A thick jacket. Shadows. And Joy coming home.

*purrs*

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Went to Gemini's Tea Company with Josh the other day. Picked up - oh, about six different bags or so. Lovely place, in the true sense of the word.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I was asked last night for a summary of the crossover fanfic I'm working on, and I promised to post it to my blog. So, without further adieu -

The story starts in the HP (Harry Potter) universe when Sirius falls through the Veil. He does not die; the Veil is not a curtain into death, but into possibility, and he finds himself on a nomadic Caamasi ship, SW (StarWars) 'verse. To make a very long story short, he learns Basic from the Caamasi, takes up with the Corellian Jedi, from there moves on to CorSec, and from there becomes a bodyguard. The reason he is so exceptional at this is because the Force and HP-verse magic are mutually incompatible and cannot be used one against the other. Because he is a wizard, Sirius has a weapon/tool that no-one else in the 'verse has. Eventually, his job and unique talents bring him to the attention of Anakin Skywalker, who is having disturbing dreams of his wife's death. Sirius, or 'the Grim', is hired to protect Padme. When Anakin becomes Vader and heads off to Mustafa, Padme stays behind. This does not fit into Palpatine's plans, and he kills her. Unfortunately, he is so strong in the Force that the Grim can do nothing to prevent the murder; all he can do is tell Vader, upon his return. This engenders the largest Force-aided tantrum this side of death. Coruscant, especially the Senate, is more-or-less leveled for quite a ways around. Vader and the Grim take off, and the Rebellion starts a decade or so earlier, with Vader as its head.

Meanwhile, back in HP-verse, the Final Battle has been fought. Harry Potter is no longer an active part of wizarding society, having become something of a recluse. Vampire Severus Snape, who turned out to be Dumbledore's man after all, has changed jobs and is now working with the Unspeakables in the Department of Mysteries. The Veil, in particular, has caught his interest, and he studies it for a decade or so before finally going through. He winds up in Valinor, Tolkien/Arda-verse, some yen before the Treeslaying and the Years of the Sun. Drawn by the fields and interactions in what is essentially the closest thing to Paradise anyone from his world has seen, he stays. When Morgoth steals the Silmarils, he heads after them in Finrod's train, being too cynical - and Slytherin - to follow a hothead like Feanor. After a few decades in ME (Middle Earth), he marries a Noldo with some Vanyarin descent; a yen or so later, they have a daughter, Poldelle. In an orc raid, young Poldelle becomes frightened and darts through the Veil, winding up on the same Caamasi ship that once housed Sirius. As they cannot understand English, Quenya, or Sindarin, the Caamasi send for the Grim. Vader comes along out of curiosity.

Poldelle, after three or so days in the Caamasi's care, is slowly withering away. As a natural-born vampire, she can only feed from an immediate biological relative, and while she can eat other foods, her need for blood is rapidly overcoming her. Vader attempts to switch the focus of her bloodlust to him, reasoning that the midichlorian-rich blood, in such a direct transfusion, at such a young age, might give her both magic and Force-sensitivity, thus creating an excellent weapon to use against the Emperor. His interest in her is not wholly mercenary, however, as she appears to be about the same age as the twins would have been had they been born. The attempt fails as her inherently (due to her father) magical nature rejects the alien substance, but fullblown bloodlust has been induced. Sirius recognises the problem and detours to Myrkr. The Force-deadening ysalamiri make it possible for Poldelle to metabolise Vader's blood and form a new parent-child bond. Upon leaving the planet, the bond allows for the slow acceptance of the midichlorians and beginning Force-sensitivity.

Vader essentially adopts Poldelle, and trains her in the Force while the Grim teaches her as much magic as is possible without a wand. When Vader contacts Mitth'raw'nuruodo, Thrawn agrees that Palpatine's predations have grown out of hand, and the menace at the edge of the Galaxy is only getting closer. The mad Sith Lord needs to be put down quickly, but the Rebellion does not have any technical advantage. Thrawn becomes battle coordinator and strategist, sharing the leadership of the Rebellion, for all practical purposes, with Vader. Poldelle, as protege and daughter, is introduced to him, but he does not share in her training. The Noghri are found and allied with, and form an elite team of bodyguards for the leaders of the Rebellion.

Meanwhile, events are preceding apace in Arda, and in HP-verse Bellatrix Lestrange breaks free of Azkaban due to reduced security and untrustworthy Dementors. She has gathered together the remaining radical pureblood-supremacists and is waging a slow campaign against the Wizarding World. As a madman, she is not much of a danger on her own, but her team of advisor/controllers uses her reputation, propaganda, and political infiltration to slowly reinstate the anti-creature and anti-Muggle laws. This is more of a problem than it had been during Voldemort's reign, as the Wizarding World and the Muggle World have, for the past ten years, been living with complete knowledge of the other's existence, and the budding cooperation is still laced with insecurity, prejudice, and fear. The two governments, instead of merging, have remained entirely separate, and many countries in the magical community are still tremendously opposed to the eventual blending of the two worlds, or even simple cooperation.

When, in SW-verse, Poldelle looks as if she is about eleven years old - because of her Eldar heritage, her physical growth is slower than a human's - Q shows up...

But the story hasn't been entirely fleshed out to that point yet, and this summary is too long as is. Comments, anyone?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Of course! The reason Severus stayed in Arda instead of heading straight back for England was because he didn't land in ME. The curtain led straight to Valinor, the largest concentration of actively focusing minds in the universe, and the most intellectually diverse. And because Valinor is the closest thing to Paradise that exists in Arda, there was no particular reason to leave. Especially not when craftsmanship was developing at such an astounding rate; what brewer worth his salt would abandon such a ripe field of study? New ingredients, new methods, gods and demigods and immortals working along beside... it must have been incredible.

And then, when the Silmarils were stolen and the Trees slain, his vengeful nature ensured that he'd go, along with the Noldor, to get them back. I doubt he'd go with Feanor, however - Sev is distrustful, jaded, and cynical to the extreme, and Feanor is too much of a hothead for any self-respecting Slyth to really pay much attention to him, let alone swear such a horrible oath. No, he'd've taken up with the second Host and crossed the Ice with Fingolfin and Finrod. I wonder which he would have stayed near after? Would he have simply left to live on his own? Somehow I doubt it. Antisocial and acerbic nature granted, he'd probably still enjoy the company of the Eldar significantly more than that of inept mortal children, and at that point, after several yen, he'd be used to it.

So many possibilities...

Monday, November 20, 2006

I had my ears pierced today. It made Dad happy.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Lovely picture - I wish I had the materials to do that. I think if I could change my shape I might end with wings.

Monday, November 13, 2006

One-eyed sun leering through the haze
Hordes of loveless marching while the little drummer plays
Nail in the coffin rats in the maze
Dancing arm in arm towards the looming end of days
Got to slow down

Saturday, November 11, 2006

It is not the dark I don't like. It is not the wind. My eyes are clearer when the light is gone and I no longer have to squint, and the wind has exhilarated me since I had only seven years and lived in Utah.

But the cold wet - I'd not have that, given the choice.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A rough draft of a poem that has been fluttering at the edges of my thought for the past few days.

The skirling wind is loud and free
(I must away, must fly away -)
The seagulls wheel and whistle me
to times away, far far away.

Rose wreathes the red and rising sun
through clouds of gold and fields of blue.
The dream has come, the night is done,
and terrors too (they are so few,
so fragile-few the ones who sing
when phantoms ride in daylight's death)
have died beneath Hope's clarion ring,
and Morning's glories draw fresh breath.

But thunder's waves roll three times three:
not all is dawn, not only day,
and spearpoint stars I cannot see
call me away, far far away.

And will I stay or will I go
from this strange land of sunhazed dreams?
Deception dances to and fro
in raiment wove withouten seams -
cry All for one! for one is All,
all whirling truth and bright-churned lie.
Coquettish Day caresses, thralls
in gentle words and laughing eyes.

Still through the dream comes ringing clear
the knowing of another way;
and falling fast and free I hear
fierce Faery's horns: Away, away!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I want the noise to go away.

I lounge on my bed, and I hear the keys clicking. The clock ticks behind me next to my foot. Emily experiments with the harp. Cars roar past. There is a low hum of computer machinery, and in the background is the irritating itch of some televised game show. It is not all bad. I don't mind the sound of my own typing, because it is a cause-effect that I have grown accustomed to. I no longer really hear it. While the clock is present, I have always heard clocks, consciously and not unconsciously, and it is to some degree soothing. Harps are lovely by nature, though five minutes' tinkering can rub on the nerves and hiss like an angry cat. The cars, the television, the hum - I do not like them. I do not like this piled heap of random sweepings called noise.

Make it go away.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I've been reading up on wolfdogs, because I can, and I'm bored. They're rather more interesting - and also difficult - than I'd thought. I think if I ever want one I will probably get a husky or malamute first - not to mention move somewhere with a lot of land far away from massed people (five square miles, Joy?)

For now, though, the only creatures I'm likely to buy are finches and tiels - and possibly a Bourke's parakeet, since those aren't as aggressive as budgies.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Somebody told me, once, that I would get more responses if I wrote and posted something outrageous. After thinking about that, I have to agree. That's probably entirely correct and a far-too-accurate portrayal of human nature. But you know, I don't believe I agree with it. I'm not a terribly outrageous person, you see, and even though I don't write everything on here, I try to write the truth when I do. And if that truth's not outrageous - well, then I cannot do anything about commenting or not. One of my birds died. I wrote a long paper. That's not stunning. It's not sensational. It's just the way I happen to live.

Monday, October 23, 2006


I walked down to my aviary today with a cup of birdseed in my hand. The tiels shrieked and the finches chattered, and when I got through the door they rattled their wings, then flew to my hands. Hisie was first, today, my lovely little grey girl, and then Angrod. Proud Niquesse perched on my left hand with Hisie and proceeded to bully her until she hopped, with an indignant squawk, to my other hand and settled down with Angrod. Aegnor circled a few times, not quite confident enough to actually land, and then drifted to the ground to peck at the seed there with the finches. I looked down.

One of the finches was lying there. It wasn't cocking its head at me or skittering about. I didn't move. The tiels weren't finished eating.

I set it out under the tall grass when I left.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Seashore. The edge of a forest. Dusk, when the sun has set but the sky is still light.

Some cultures held these as holy places, where two things could dance at each other's edges and peer beyond. In the between places, black and white swirled and twisted, and, every so often, fused together into seamless silver-grey.

I find the notion more comforting than a simple doorway. When there is a threshold so narrow and rigid, one must step over it all at once - granted, one might retreat in uncertainty, but there is no comfortable space where one might choose both outside and inside. I'm not fond of doorways. I'd rather wander along the edge of the sea, sand and shells and foam about my feet, before slipping farther out into the waves. Light's gentle fading into darkness is sweeter, to me, than a switch being flipped by a casual hand.

There is the danger, there, of course. Some people, entranced, might never leave the between places, choosing both one and the other and, perhaps saddest, never fully experience either. There are some who would not even venture out that far, keeping a wary guard on the unknown.

And yet for myself - for myself - I will take the seashore.

Friday, October 13, 2006

What do reality, illusion, truth, deception, persuasion, seduction, helplessness, humor, love, stillness, and metis have to do with each other? - that is indeed the question. Now if only I could somehow compress the resultant ponderings into seven double-spaced pages.

One of these days I need to learn not to take on a topic like this.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

FATHER, Mother, and Me
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And every one else is They.
And They live over the sea,
While We live over the way,
But - would you believe it? - They look upon We
As only a sort of They !

We eat pork and beef
With cow-horn-handled knives.
They who gobble Their rice off a leaf,
Are horrified out of Their lives;
And They who live up a tree,
And feast on grubs and clay,
(Isn't it scandalous?) look upon We
As a simply disgusting They!

We shoot birds with a gun.
They stick lions with spears.
Their full-dress is un-.
We dress up to Our ears.
They like Their friends for tea.
We like Our friends to stay;
And, after all that, They look upon We
As an utterly ignorant They!

We eat kitcheny food.
We have doors that latch.
They drink milk or blood,
Under an open thatch.
We have Doctors to fee.
They have Wizards to pay.
And (impudent heathen!) They look upon We
As a quite impossible They!

All good people agree,
And all good people say,
All nice people, like Us, are We
And every one else is They:
But if you cross over the sea,
Instead of over the way,
You may end by (think of it!) looking on We
As only a sort of They !

~Kipling

Sunday, October 08, 2006

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love."

So why is it that we always focus on the last? It may be the greatest, but the two others are also needful for the continuation of our very existence. Faith as small as a mustardseed, we are told, can move mountains. We're taught about it; we know that we only need to "have faith" in Jesus and we will be saved. Though most of our attention is devoted to the last, the first does come under some scrutiny. But that one in the middle...

Pandora was created to ruin mankind by Zeus in revenge for Prometheus' gift of fire. She was given a box and warned not to open it, but curiosity has always been noted for killing the cat, and all of the evils and sorrows escaped when she took a peek. All but one, that is. While death, old age, sickness, war, famine, poverty, greed, and despair were loosed upon the unsuspecting world, she slammed the lid shut quickly enough to prevent hope from fluttering out. The world was very bleak, for a time, until she chanced to return to her box and let the last of the evils out.

There is no future without hope, and no hope without the concept of a future. Hope is "the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." It's the idea that there could be something beside the Now that you're trapped in, that something else could exist beside the things you can see right now. Without hope, it's hard to have faith, or to love, or really to function at all; hopelessness is a special kind of despair, one that makes people not quite human and strips us of whatever spark separates us from a dog or a lizard.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

It's worthy of more thought than it gets.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Host of the Air by W. B. Yeats


O’DRISCOLL drove with a song,
The wild duck and the drake,
From the tall and the tufted reeds
Of the drear Hart Lake.


And he saw how the reeds grew dark
At the coming of night tide,
And dreamed of the long dim hair
Of Bridget his bride.


He heard while he sang and dreamed
A piper piping away,
And never was piping so sad,
And never was piping so gay.


And he saw young men and young girls
Who danced on a level place
And Bridget his bride among them,
With a sad and a gay face.


The dancers crowded about him,
And many a sweet thing said,
And a young man brought him red wine
And a young girl white bread.


But Bridget drew him by the sleeve,
Away from the merry bands,
To old men playing at cards
With a twinkling of ancient hands.


The bread and the wine had a doom,
For these were the host of the air;
He sat and played in a dream
Of her long dim hair.


He played with the merry old men
And thought not of evil chance,
Until one bore Bridget his bride
Away from the merry dance.


He bore her away in his arms,
The handsomest young man there,
And his neck and his breast and his arms
Were drowned in her long dim hair.


O’Driscoll scattered the cards
And out of his dream awoke:
Old men and young men and young girls
Were gone like a drifting smoke;


But he heard high up in the air
A piper piping away,
And never was piping so sad,
And never was piping so gay.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It is dark and warm in my room, a haven of wavering shadows. The candles whisper to each other - they are glad, I think, to be bright again. Outside is grey and cold; here the colors are enriched by the warmth and play of fire.

Wave on wave of life
Like the great wide ocean's roll
Haunting hands of memory
Pluck silver strands of soul
The damage and the dying done
The clarity of light
Gentle bows and glasses raised
To the charity of night
Bruce Cockburn
Jim came and talked to me yesterday about getting a stove. Apparently a full-sized one won't work, for a number of reasons, but he can get us a countertop one and a hot-plate to use in place of burners. Now I'm writing a shopping list...

(Take that, Ada!)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I have discovered that incoming wisdom teeth hurt. I have also found that ibuprofen does absolutely nothing for the pain caused by them.

On the other hand, my professor has a point: pain isn't really all that bad if you can focus on the moment, or, better yet, ignore it, instead of focusing on the future pain that will exist. Too much of pain is anticipation, the thought that it will still be hurting some time in the future, and it's easier - and yet so much more difficult! - if one turns to other sensations instead.

Oh, Alasse, I found a little tea place you might like in Turlock. They have rather good loose leaf tea - they don't even carry the bagged stuff - and something called white tea I picked up. Have you had white tea before? I hadn't, but I wound up buying some. The propietress is a wonderful lady. I may have to go back and sample some more.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Inconceivable, adj.
  1. Impossible to comprehend or grasp fully: inconceivable folly; an inconceivable disaster.
  2. So unlikely or surprising as to have been thought impossible; unbelievable: an inconceivable victory against all odds.
The word is what it is, but I find it a little strange. When we say that something is inconceivable or beyond belief, what we really mean is that it's far outside our normal patterns. But what does the word mean, really? If you were to find something that was indeed completely inconceivable, then you wouldn't be able to describe it, or explain it, or rationalise it, because it wouldn't only skirt the edge of belief, it would be an infinite distance beyond. You can't use words to describe something that there are no words for. You can't tell of it. The best you could do is show it, but what happens when it's only a thought, an idea?

Perhaps we should be cautious in the bandying-about of this term. Words can be dangerous, after all.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Sleep, my love, and peace attend thee
all through the night.
Guardian angels God will send thee
all through the night.
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
hill and vale in slumber steeping -
Love alone his watch is keeping,
all through the night.

Though I roam a minstrel lonely,
all through the night,
my true harp shall praise thee, only,
all through the night.
Love's young dream alas! is over,
yet my strains of love shall hover
near the presence of my lover
all through the night.

Good night.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Some people I know are butterflies. They exist as caterpillars, weaving a cocoon of impressions from parents and beliefs as a child. When the cocoon shatters, it's because of a violent struggle, and the creature that reappears to life looks little like the thing it had been. The process is harsh and hard, but when it dances above a field of wildflowers, others marvel. And there is beauty.

I feel more like a seedling. I've poked my head out above the ground, and now the sun and wind and water are encouraging me to climb further. I'm not quite sure what I will become, for the process is different. Instead of gold refined in a fire, or steel tempered, I may be an opal, gradually changing as water flows through and the structures of my thought shift into a gentle realignment.

And there will be beauty.

Friday, September 22, 2006















It's cold on campus, today, and I forgot to bring a sweater. Predictably, the chill is slipping me into silent somnolence. Sometimes I wonder if I'm part snake, or maybe lizard, quick and restless in the heat and drowsy when the clouds come.

Or it could be the week I've had. That's almost certainly part and parcel of the problem. Home-work and class-work and rushed church events compete with Teddy's death for my time, and sleep comes out the loser. Sleep-deprived, it's easier than ever for me to curl into a defensive coil and dream away the day...

...come what may...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

To eat the baclava, or not to eat the baclava - that is the question.

(If I eat it, though, my throat'll be fuzzy, and I have voice in a few minutes - then again, we don't do anything but breathing exercises anyway.)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006




I'm tired.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The stars are hid behind a cloud

of smoky dust and noxious fumes;

disillusion weaves a shroud

of discontent and wishes’ tombs.

The unicorn stays far away,

distrusting those who tarnish dreams.

Who cares to be the Queen of May?

when none believe, or so it seems…


That wishes are for dreamers.

Horses are for beggars.

But wishes don’t come true,

and beggars never ride.


Looking up into the sky,

draped in green and gold, though night,

a child disbelieves the lie,

and wishes on a dragon’s flight.

Eggshells crack and keening song,

rising from the hatchlings’ dame,

promises to right the wrong

and see the growing menace tame.


Wishes are for dreamers.

Horses are for beggars.

A wish becomes a promise:

a beggar’s dream takes flight.


Auroras take the place of fumes.

Dragons dance in silvered rain,

and to the meadow's cobalt blooms

the unicorn is come again.

An oath came from a child's choice:

now, blazing in a human's eye.

singing with triumphant voice,

a phoenix wings across the sky.


For wishes are for dreamers,

and horses are for beggars.

An oath has changed the world,

and all the beggars ride.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

We're studying Parmenides in Ancient Philosophy, going over Peter Kingsley's Reality. It's definitely interesting. But- and but. If Everyone has been misinterpreting Parmenides, from Plato to All Modern Scholars, then who's to say Kingsley has the right of it?

Either way, the book is a good read, even if it does resemble a crime novel. The language is easily understood and sometimes provocative, but it's the concepts that fascinate me more. Are we all under a spell? It would provide a few answers. Are we dead, walking about in the belief that we're really alive? If that's the case, then what does "alive" really mean? Is there then a difference between life and death? If there isn't, then how can we justify the term "death" at all? Unless, perhaps, the reference is only regarding the death of the mind - but that's not what the text seems to say.

Anyway, I'm off to get some tea and practice hesychia in the aviary.