At least once in my life, I want to -

~go deep-sea diving
~have a professional massage
~hang-glide over the Grand Canyon
~make pomegranate wine
~get married
~try haggis - and lutefisk
~keep a dog twice my size
~build a dining room in an oak tree
~sleep on a waterbed with silk sheets
~write a novel
~learn to fly
~hunt for elk or some other big animal
~visit the moon - or maybe Mars
~stay up three nights straight to watch a really spectacular meteor shower
~go skinny-dipping off a tropical beach
~buy something and not worry about where the money is coming from
~hook a really big whopping halibut
~teach someone something important
~die

Okay. This is officially a Very Fun Song. Spencer, you may recognise the lyrics....

The March of Cambreadth

Enjoy!

Sometimes I think about thinking. What is it, anyway? What is thought? How do our minds work? And what is it that makes us so different than a dog or dolphin or parrot, anyway? Do we know? I don't really think we do – I'm not sure we ever will.

But I think about thinking. If one practiced, I wonder, would it be possible to create and define your own world to live in? I don't mean like a madman does, mind, and I don't mean drugs. But could you perhaps withdraw into such a world until your mind did not know which was real and which false? Would it be possible to recreate the million subtle scents and tastes of this world until they were as real, in your mind, as to your bodily senses? Could you fool yourself that way? The only thing is that it would be an uninhabited world, unless one was sufficiently schizophrenic to imbue personas, also, with their own lives. Would people pay for such a potent elixir of withdrawal?

Oh, but they do all the time. They call them books.

Hufflepuff for Life
We Are the Dark Gods and WE RULE OVER ALL!

1). There is no good and evil, there is only power... and those too weak to seek it.

2). There is no good and evil! There is only power! And those too weak to seek it!

3). Live fast, die young, and leave a mutilated unidentifiable corpse behind. And then, when no one’s paying attention, assume the previous life of that corpse. Repeat as necessary.

4). Wizard, Witch, Pureblood, Halfblood, Muggleborn, Squib, Muggle. None of it matters, as inside they are all the same: five liters of blood and an infinite number of ways to spill it. Except for babies. They don’t have quite as much blood.

5). Tattoos are for pussies and Death Eaters. Real men carve art into their flesh with knives, not needles, ink, or magic.

6). The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled wasn’t convincing the world she didn't exist. It was convincing her researchers, her grunt workers, and her scapegoats that she cared. And that they mattered. She even convinced most of them that they were more important than her. So she gave them qualities, characteristics, jobs, and duties. She renamed them Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, and Slytherins. You tell a man, he is sly and cunning and he finds it hard to disagree. No matter that expressly advertising that you are sly and cunning is just about the least sly or cunning thing you can do. If he is not a Hufflepuff, he will know no better. He will believe himself sly and cunning. Or he will believe himself intelligent and clever. Or he will believe himself brave and courageous. It is your job to make him believe that! Ravenclaws plan your strategies, Gryffindors fight your battles, Slytherins take your blame. And only behind the curtain, have the Hufflepuffs now and forever reigned supreme.

7). Three can keep a secret if two are dead. And thus, out of necessity, was born the rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor.

8). Men will wrong you, or wrong the true ideals of a ‘puffer. When a man does, see if he expresses remorse. If he does, tell him you accept his apology. Nurse his wounds, become his friend, and help him to become healthy. Then as he turns his back to you to leave, slit his throat. If the man doesn’t express remorse, then kill his mother, kill his sister, kill his wife, kill his daughter, and torture his dog. Grant only the mercy of death to those who are remorseful. And give only pain to those who are not. No one messes with a ‘puff.

A Ravenclaw Study Guide
There’s nothing wrong with loving books, other than the paper cuts.

I. The only people who say that not all knowledge can be found in books are the people with really crappy books.

II. Others may be taller, others may be stronger, and others may be prettier. But if you’re smarter, then you will always be better than everyone else.

III. If those Slytherins think they’re so smart, then why weren’t they placed in Ravenclaw? I mean honestly.

IV. Don’t feel bad. There is no rational explanation for Hermione Granger’s placement in Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat was probably drinking.

V. The library is the ideal place to meet new friends, to research in your free time, to study ahead for classes, and to watch other people while wondering what it would be like to get kissed.

VI. If I had a Knut for every time someone assumed Ravenclaw is nothing but nerds and geeks, I would have 342,013 Galleons, 14 Sickles, and 8 Knuts, as of 8:42 PM GMT, September 4th, 2002.

7. You are right. And they are wrong. Nothing they can say will change that.

The Slytherin Manifesto
A Guidebook to accepting your failure as a person and living life as a Slytherin.

1). If you feel the urge to cry, as you most likely will quite frequently, scowl harshly and stalk away making your robe/cloak billow as much as possible. Locate your Head of House, and once you are certain no one else is around, only then may you and he/she embrace in a hug and you may let it out in private. Never speak of these encounters to anyone. Least of all your housemates.
SIDENOTE: If your Head of House tries to deny you a hug, use one of the coupons in the back of this booklet.

2). No matter how much you may wish to call someone a doodybrain, don’t. Use words like buffoon or simpleton. Slytherins do not say doodybrain though nincompoop may be used sparingly without any emphasis on the poop. Welcome adjectives include good-for-nothing, imbecilic, insufferable, and they are ideally combined with a noun along the lines of dunderhead or fool.

3). If you smile, we will kill your pet. Smiling is not and never will be acceptable. Smirking is highly encouraged at appropriate times. And loud laughter will be permitted if someone from another house is grievously injured.

4). Wear clean underwear every day. You never know when you might get cursed, flipped upside-down, and the last thing you want is for your britches to be anything less than sparkling. Going commando is only ever permitted for females. In those cases refer to chapter three: Grooming and Shampooing Part II.

5). Friends are not permitted. You do not make friends and cannot make friends. Certain allies may be held in higher esteem than others, but they are not your friends. You are a Slytherin.

If you find being a lesser person difficult and are having trouble accepting the fact that you are a Slytherin, take some private time and carefully read through Appendix D: Why no one will ever like me and Appendix E: How to tolerate your fellow Slytherins.

The Gryffindor Guide
Old tell young. Young learn.

1.) Fire hot.
2). Light good.
3). Love Potter.
4). Me no dumb.
5). Breathe. Repeat.
That is all. No more fingers.
6). Don’t forget. Two hands.